Diary of a Snow Shoveler — Funniest Thing You Will Read This Season

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December 20
Electricity’s back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last night.
More shoveling!
Took all day.
The damn snowplow came by twice.
Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they’re too busy playing hockey.
I think they’re lying.
Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they’re out.
Might have another shipment in March.
I think they’re lying.
Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me.
I think he’s lying.
 
December 22
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white   shit fell today, and it’s so cold, it probably won’t melt till August.
Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss.
By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel.
Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he’s too busy.  I think the asshole is lying.
 
December 23
Only 2 inches of snow today 
And it warmed up to 0.
The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning.
What is she, nuts?!!
Why didn’t she tell me to do that a month ago?
She says she did but I think she’s lying.
 
December 24
6 inches – Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel.
Thought I was having a heart attack.
If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snow plow, I’ll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel.
I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I’ve just been!
Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplow.

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December 25
Merry freaking Christmas!
20 more inches of the damn slop tonight -Snowed in.
The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil.
God, I hate the snow!
Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel.
The wife says I have a bad attitude.
I think she’s an idiot.
If I have to watch “It’s A Wonderful Life” one more time, I’m going to stuff her into the microwave.
 
December 26
Still snowed in.
Why the hell did I ever move here?
It was all HER idea.
She’s really getting on my nerves.
 
December 27
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.
 
December 28
Warmed up to above -20.
Still snowed in.
The BITCH is driving me crazy!!!
 
December 29
10 more inches.
Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in.
That’s the silliest thing I ever heard.   How dumb does he think I am?
 
December 30
Roof caved in.
I beat up the snow plow driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars, not only the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass.
The wife went home to her mother.
Nine more inches predicted.
 
December 31
I set fire to what’s left of the house.
No more shoveling.
 
January 8
Feel so good.
I just love those little white pills they keep giving me.
Why am I tied to the bed?  

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